She Waited Months to Reach Out for Divorce Help. Here’s What Happened Next

On a walk with a friend, she tentatively asked, “Have you heard from Sierra?” (name changed to protect privacy). She’d been supporting Sierra through an unexpected divorce and had encouraged her to reach out to me multiple times. I gave her my normal response: “I can’t confirm or deny if I’ve talked to her.” What I do is necessarily confidential, and even when it’s a personal referral, I hold every woman’s confidence completely. 

But her friend had not reached out, and quite frankly, that is normal. It can take months, a year, or longer for someone to finally make an initial contact with me, and I completely understand. It’s scary to contact a stranger and share the most intimate details of not only your life, but your finances.

To my walking friend, I simply said, “Give her time, resources, and grace. You’re doing enough by simply listening and allowing her to have agency over whether she reaches out or not.” Sometimes the strongest foundation we can offer someone in crisis is the space to make decisions in their own time.

Her friend did reach out eventually. She filled out a consultation request, and I responded immediately with a confidential consultation agreement and a link to my schedule. Within a week, she had scheduled our call.

Day One

On consultation day, I could tell Sierra was weary. She’d already been seeing a mediator with her husband and it wasn’t going well. He’d promised when he announced he was leaving that he’d take care of her and the kids, that it was his priority. But the first mediation sessions focused on a parenting plan and quickly, there were tensions and disagreements, particularly around bringing new partners into the picture. Heartbreaking in so many ways.

And now, she was being asked to provide a proposal for financial support and division while her heart was still spinning from this new reality. I listened, empathized, and shared my own experience. I understand; I was there too. Quite frankly, the finances took a far backseat to the impact on my children. And yet, my children were intimately impacted by any financial decisions made.

Honest conversations are often the first step toward reducing fear because they replace assumptions with information and possibilities.

I slowly started asking questions to help me understand Sierra’s financial situation. Some answers she had, and others we recognized would need further exploration. We talked about her biggest concern, spousal support, and how in Oregon there is not a calculator or specific formula but rather an evaluation of need based on budgets and the ability to pay based on income.

Sierra was also concerned about where to live, not wanting to stay in the marital home but recognizing buying right away was out of reach, and uncertain about the costs of a rental. With an upcoming mediation looming, we discussed a financial analysis package that would allow us to create a realistic post-divorce budget, a marital asset assessment and division options, and a realistic way to approach spousal support.

Her anxiety was clearly lower as we wrapped up the session. She felt supported, had a plan, and most importantly, no longer felt alone in the process.

Day Two

I sent an email detailing our discussion and some of the recommendations I made on our call, as well as a link to complete a financial analysis package agreement that explained the services provided. I also gave Sierra a referral to a Certified Financial Planner® who could help us evaluate the long-term financial impacts of any settlement options we created, specifically as it related to retirement accounts.

This isn’t always needed, but Sierra is in her 50’s, and one of her greatest fears was not being able to retire as a single woman in the way she could as a married one. Adding a CFP® to her support team early in the process allowed her to develop a relationship that not only served her during the divorce process, but would provide support for years to come. 

Day Six

We met over Zoom for about 30 minutes to review the tool we use to collect financial data. It’s a simple four-page questionnaire that walks women through current family information along with income coming in, a budget creation process that helps women capture monthly and annual expenses, and a worksheet of assets and debts, both marital and pre-marital.

During the call, I explained how to find this information, simple ways to gather documents, and even what to do when you simply don’t know or don’t have access to certain financial records.

This is what I affectionately call the “homework” part of our analysis, and it’s often where women begin rebuilding confidence around their finances. It may not feel courageous in the moment, but gathering information and facing the numbers is often one of the bravest first steps.

Day Twelve

Sierra completed her financial information questionnaire and provided a couple of additional documents that allowed me to begin the financial analysis process. Utilizing Family Law Software®, I created a budget that served as a foundation for decision-making, as well as a marital assets report that clearly showed the value of the marital home, bank accounts, mutual funds, retirement accounts, and outstanding debts.

With this analysis completed, we had what we needed to start building out creative scenarios showing how different levels of spousal and child support would impact her budget, and multiple ways to divide assets equitably to support her moving forward.These preliminary findings were emailed to Sierra along with some additional questions to help inform our next meeting.

Day Seventeen

Sierra and I met in person at my office for a 90-minute strategy session. This is where all the hard work begins transforming into clarity and confidence.

Together we reviewed her budget and made modifications so she felt confident about her needs. One important aspect of this session was for Sierra to practice articulating out loud what her financial needs are. This is important because whether in a mediated setting or working with an attorney, women need to be able to advocate for themselves and their children.Many women haven’t had the opportunity to practice this necessary skill, and learning to speak honestly and confidently about financial needs is often a meaningful part of regaining agency in their lives.

Next, we discussed multiple ways to divide the marital assets and ran those scenarios in Family Law Software® so Sierra could see how each option played out for her. With each scenario, a report was created so that Sierra had clear documentation to use during negotiations. Sierra again got to practice verbalizing why she preferred one division scenario over another and as she did, I saw her confidence grow. Sierra was making wise choices for her family based not on emotion, but on financial facts and her own personal needs. She could explain why she didn’t want to stay in the marital home and why a specific way of dividing retirement accounts would save both her and her husband money in the long run. In just over two weeks, Sierra was empowered with information that allowed her to move forward confidently. Following the session, I emailed her with notes about our discussions, copies of the various budgets we created, and multiple division scenarios. 

While our financial analysis package was complete, I continued to support Sierra through the mediation process. Sometimes it was just a quick email to clarify or to change the value of one of the assets, which is easy to do with Family Law Software®. I texted her on mediation days, letting her know I was thinking of her and reminding her she was prepared and capable. Once it was clear there was going to be some pushback from her husband, we did a financial clarity call, another Zoom meeting, and continued to ensure she understood the implications of his proposals and was able to respond clearly and with facts. I even had a call with her mediator to help clarify some information and to advocate for Sierra directly. It took a couple of months before Sierra and her husband finally came to an agreement. She texted me after her final mediation session to let me know it was done. There was measured joy and celebration recognizing that this was just the next step in her journey, but also knowing that she’d advocated well for herself and her kids. She could walk confidently into her future knowing she had a financial plan, a support system, and hope for her future. 

This story is a compilation of multiple clients and does not represent one specific person, but elements of Sierra’s story are common among most women I work with. Every woman deserves to have a support team to help her advocate for herself and her children. You deserve to be supported in an honest, healthy way that fosters courage and creativity as you consider your options. Each step in our process is designed to educate, empower, and encourage you to make wise decisions for your future.